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"Jessica is a mess-ica": Love Is Blind recap

***SPOILERS AHEAD!!!***


I don't normally watch reality dating shows.


My two best friends are loyal Bachelor viewers, and not even that FOMO has made me regularly tune in.


I do not believe I am above this sort of television. I just always seem to end up watching true crime documentaries and Sex and the City reruns instead.


But then I heard the buzz around Netflix's Love Is Blind, and I got curious.

After discussing the hype with a few friends Friday night, I went home and queued up the first episode with pretty low expectations.


Well. I was wrong.


And here is my experience.


1. Nick Lachey introduced himself by saying, "And I'm obviously Nick Lachey." I realize he probably used "obviously" since Vanessa had just introduced herself, but I still scoffed.


2. I willingly stayed up until 1am on Friday night watching the first two episodes. Anyone who knows me will be shocked by this fact. I am usually sound asleep by 10pm. I hate staying up late. It's the worst.


3. Amber may be a bit of a loose canon, but she's a consistent loose canon. She was 100% herself through this entire show, and I applaud her for that.


4. Speaking of Amber, can we all agree she was one of the top winners of LIB? As we discover in Barnett's kitchen, she's recently been homeless, does not work (seemingly by choice?), and has $20,000+ in debt, which includes "makeup debt" (???). Amber leaves this show with a husband she's absolutely crazy about and a house. Plus, Barnett doesn't seem to care that she doesn't work. It appears he is pretty cool with her drinking red wine and watching Netflix all day. Hats off to you, Amber!


5. Speaking of congratulations, Lauren and Cameron take the prize for being the most normal, most stable, most lovable couple. Obviously.


6. But seriously. Lauren and Cameron are beautiful together.


7. My jaw literally dropped as these couples said "I love you" one episode in.


8. I also loved to hate every time they mentioned the honeymoon phase potentially being over or said something along the lines of "even after everything we've been through, I still love you." You've all known each other for like, five days. Calm down.


9. Diamond deserves a redo. I hated how Carlton kept his sexuality from her and then lashed out at Diamond for being closed-minded. NOT COOL. Anyone would be upset if they discovered that sort of information was withheld from them!


10. I thought Gigi was super nice and sweet...until she suddenly wasn't.


11. Speaking of Gigi, her lines during those especially heated fights with Damian felt like lines from an audition (particularly her delivery), so maybe this was all acting???


12. One of the best lines of the show belongs to Lauren when she reports, "Jessica is a mess-ica."


13. Speaking of Jessica, her constant use of a baby voice made me cringe. I actually consulted Google halfway into episode 1 to make sure I wasn't crazy—was this woman really changing her voice when she was in the pod? Google confirmed that yes, she was.


14. Also, DO NOT LET YOUR DOG DRINK WINE! Grapes are terrible for dogs. Please, please don't do this.


15. I feel sad for Mark who was so blindly in love with Jessica (I guess that was the point of the show?), but he's only 24 and will recover. Plus, his roommates seem super nice, and his family adores him. He'll be all right!


16. How many times did we have to hear Jessica do the math of her and Mark's age difference? "When you're 30, I'll be 40. And when you're 40, I'll be 50." Yes. We all know how this math works, Jessica.


17. Kelly surprised me at the altar, but I realize I should have seen this coming. On the bachelorette night, she says how she doesn't find Kenny physically attractive and would compare his look to those of a "best friend" versus a lovah. NOT GOOD.


18. Oh, Kenny. His speech after Kelly jilted him was SO gracious and classy.


19. Kelly's mom was one of my favorite cast members. Her MVP moment comes when she turns around during Kenny's speech and whispers, "God, I love this guy." Kelly's family was definitely Team Kenny.


20. There were a lot of great moms on LIB (Did you see Kenny's mom's adorable mother-of-the-groom dress? Loved it!), but when Mark's mom held him as he cried, I totally lost it. So sweet.


21. The moment I saw Jessica appear at the end of the aisle without ANY of her family members and with NO BOUQUET, I knew Mark was toast. That was so uncomfortable. I would not have known what to do with my face or my hands, which is probably why Jessica giggled and chewed gum.


22. Did you know Jessica is 34 and Mark is 24? Just checking.


23. But seriously, don't forget it.


24. And finally, I really could have done without the suspenseful, doomsday music leading up to each couple's vows. Come on, Netflix. Let's build a better ambiance than that!

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